My hometown is Luhansk. It has been occupied by the Russian Federation for 8 years. I had to flee to Kyiv back in 2014. And if we talk about the current situation in Kyiv, it’s very hard.
We woke up at 4AM on February 24th to read the news (it became a habit to read the news at night) and at 5AM we heard explosions. I knew Russia had to be doing that, and yet I couldn’t believe it was happening. We had to grab some stuff — we had one bag with documents and money ready, but no clothes, laptops, etc.) and cat food (our cat is the main reason we hadn’t moved earlier. She hadn’t gotten vaccines recently enough to have documents). I don’t have a car and that was a huge obstacle, but my friend has 3 seats, so I went with him. I’m not sure if he saved my life but I really feel that way.
There was a huge amount of traffic as we moved to the West. After the first wave of panic, we understood it wasn’t a rocket strike, but our anti-air defense working. Afterwards we started to find out that real rocket strikes had reached their target. I was scared because the border with Belarus is huge. They could attack and it could be breached from some directions. I don’t really know how many aircrafts could breach and bomb our bases. I had real confidence in our army but understood that Russia has 190k troops. Our guys stand as real heroes.
Afterwards we read about artillery strikes. Friends from all over Ukraine (Odesa, Kharkiv, Kyiv) started to share news. I was shocked by the scale and insolence. Currently, there have been massive artillery strikes, rocket strikes that hit civilian buildings, tanks that breached the city (our forces cleaned them up) and there are troops in disguises, so there has been a massive shootout within the city.
How do I feel? It’s an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I have no feelings at all, fully exhausted, with a sense of deja-vu from 2014. Sometimes I feel pure hate. I want those who brought war and guns to be killed. Sometimes I’m scared. Not because of the invasion, but with the fact it is possible to openly attack a European country in 2022. That the US and EU could only share their concerns about the situation for 8 years, while part of our territory was already occupied. That there would be more documents like the Budapest Memorandum with less than 0 usefulness. The fact that I had to wake up my daughter and couldn’t promise that her snails would be OK once we get back from the trip. They might, or they might not. That I need to laugh at her jokes to brighten her mood and simultaneously read that some of our soldiers died. That there would be no consequences for the death of Ukrainians.
I feel the joy of seeing news about dead occupants and that our soldiers stand. That they fear for their lives closer to night. I constantly worry about my friends who stayed.
What do I want from the West? To know that we have already had war for 8 years. I want them to know we suffer for the aspiration to become a fully-democratic liberal country, to have the ability to develop, to have control over our politicians, so they will finally understand that they are not an aristocracy but managers. That we have the full right to have our language, our culture.
At the same time, I want you to know that the time of Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, ballet, and gymnastics in Russia has passed and actually, never really was. That’s a country filled with propaganda and therefore fakes, hate, and the wish for others to live worse. The wish to say that we could kill you anytime. The country which hates itself but hates others even worse. Blaming everyone else for their own fears. I want you to know that this started not 3 days ago, not 8 years ago, but much earlier. We had our language canceled, our poets killed. Don’t try to calm Russia down — our people need protection from it!
You must know that Ukraine is fighting for peace and its future, so that our kids can be scientists, or poets, or architects. The situation is hard. We are standing but we need not words, but deeds. Kick Russia out of SWIFT, send us weapons and medical aid. Help our economy once we win. That’s not a matter of city or country, but of Europe and the world. There shouldn’t be war in 2022. No people should die because of a bastard with a Tsar complex, because of stupid-ass laughable propaganda. There should be a powerful lesson for Russia and countries that will imitate it in future. Please, stand for us as we stand for you.
Putin is not only killing our citizens. There are 190,000 troops [on] our borders, there are massive propaganda machines with a lot of people saying “there are nationalists in Ukraine, we must kill all of them and take our lands back.” Ha-ha, please, grab a history book and learn when Kyiv was founded and when Moscow was, and by who.
Lastly, I, a half-Russian, Russian-speaker from Luhansk, Putin’s perfect primary audience, could honestly say: Vladimir Vladimirovich, go fuck yourself. Fuck you and thank you for your help to unite our nation, so it could wake up and find out that there is no Soviet Union anymore. From now on, we will live our own way.